I was looking at a picture of Gabe, it was such a simple feeling of girly crushes and this odd sense of what if's. What if I Had known him when we were both just little nerdlets? Before Pink hair and Trekkies, befor growing up and Manic Moods.
What if, we could have sat on his sofa, watching startrek to shy to talk? To scared to hold hands? What if, I hadn't a tattoo, or he hadn't a wife. What if he liked the way I smelt, and I liked the way he combed his hair?
Befor we had to be who we are. before we had responsibilites, and obsessions before vegan's and piercings befor apartments and jobs and money...before travling 3 days away from home seemed like a big deal....befor sunsets lost there magic and Stars were nothing more then little twlinkling lights to daydream too.....
what if we had fallen in love then, befor what we are now?
What if we could have gotten married, a simple little vegas wedding, of volcan ears and ferengi drinks? what if we bought a little house, with a back yard outside of the city...and had summer parties of our mild mannared friends and family.
What if I made Martini's? and wore an apron....and he drove a beat up station wagon. and we hardly made any money.
But we came home each night to eachother?
what if we sat on that sofa, and watched StarTrek Together, and Talked of dreams that we've both created for our selves in this life. What if we had the companionship then?
Would we ever traid our lusty love of onedays and perhapses? For that ever comfortable life time of honey i'm homes and Uncertenty....
I dont know, but its fun to think of what Could have been, had we known eachother years ago.
I had a dream that I was in a room, with Yoda, and A girl who looked.. alot like me was trying to fight him with a sword. yoda was moving slowly Blocking her with every blow.
"Young Padwan still alot you have to learn, not so rushed sould your life be lived" and still she attacked, stupidly, blindly slashing....trying to harm yoda. i remember the look on her face, angry and stupid. STUPIDLY stupid. "I dont want this" I screamed. trying to make her stop, trying to make the self I have no control over stop. still she ran stupidly at him. still I slashed stupidly at him, Flashes from her eyes. Slowly over the corse of the argument I was now her, I was now the one attacking Yoda, who in a single move brought me to my knees and forced me to let go of my sword.
it falls to the floor and yoda just shakes his head at me.
"Foolish padwan, the spirit of a jedi you have not- Foolish Girl"
HE walks away, and I am left this in "his" bacement sitting there alone. Defeted.
The way snails make love, its slow, its slippery, its sensual, they feel eachother out, they embrace eachother move with eachothers bodies, draw back, it goes on for hours. Its enough to make you blush. Its the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I can Only Hope to be as sensual as a snail.
For a little bit, a while, perhaps a forced period during which I was in this sexually frustrated angry "I’m Gay?" phase I thought for SURE I was a lesbian.... I thought: I don’t like men near me. I don’t like men at all.... I obsessed over it, I settled into a nice, comforting idea of which I made myself Gay.....with this new found love of Vagina, I took my little self to The FINGER ELEVEN concert. Slightly confused as to why I'd bother dressing up. Or why I had bothered to do my hair or paint my lips Bright Red......
SO, As I entered, I remarked at how small a venue this is, how close to the stage we were....then I realized I was standing just feet away from James Black, Just..... One 6'3 man blocking my view away..... The boy sweats, the boy Plays music. The boy has sexy lips; the boy has chest hair... and a other, boy parts not particularly valuable to a new found purely Lesbian lifestyle
Why was I Swooning? Why was I day dreaming about ... (insert very wrong sexually explicit fantasy here (And oddly enough it didn't involve WOW or Star Trek...))
Why am I a new found Lesbian Drooling, near orgasm at the mere sight of this.... sweaty, hairy, grunting, man! This... Amazing Primitive Instinct in me…This sort of primal flag went up. This rhythmic impulse
This man, all sweaty and masculine completely blind and forever oblivious to my lust became some how the embodiment of my sexuality. It was liberating, perhaps invigorating in a completely non feminist kind of way, Not in the inner personal liberation sort of way.
It was in a completely instinctual Animalistic Discovery Channel attraction, this sudden itch, this want for sweaty naked man. It was there and gone in a moment’s time, I was left with the assurance that I am not a lesbian. Not fully anyways. And a bad case of The Red Lipstick Blues. (When you want something you cannot have) Perhaps He caught a glims of me from behind the tall man just left of his guitar, perhaps he didn't, Perhaps he'd remember the pink flower in my hair, Perhaps he wont.....and perhaps He'd never know how he helped redefin one short red head girl's sexuality.
Oh what a wonderful musical orgasm. I would trade it for nothing.
“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” --- Helen Keller
The honor of being female. The honor and obligation: Today I was thinking of things in other countries how women are dishonored, and treated like animals, which is another point of anger in my heart. I read about torture, rape, Prostitution, murder, it seems like other worlds away, I read about little girls being left to the side of the road to die in plastic bags, infanticide, a word that should never even be in the human dialects, used every day to describe the massacre of females across the world. Females in and out of time, the sacred mothers, the daughters, the eternal Grandmothers, they are children, babies, little bundles of light. How can anyone harm them? How can anyone pass one by without feeling the sickness of guilt – without feeling a strong need to pick her up and hold her to your chest. How can you change the channel on your 1000$ TV, or fail to see the images on your well made computer: how can you do anything but cry.
I don’t have a lot of direction in life; I have a lot of passion; alot of of meaningless words about change, about a spirituality I could never hope to grasp in my shallow way of life; Talking about devastation and destruction doesn’t make you any better then the people who are causing it. Or failing to help the situation *cough*bush*cough* I have a goal; and no way to achieve it. Its like a pain burning in my chest, I want to help, to grab the entire world by the shoulders and scream.
We live pampered spoiled lives, Thos children are the Princesses, and little prince’s . Thos children deserve more then I do.
So, my final words of the evening. “I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” --- Helen Keller Adopting is my choice – My life will be lived for this goal.
Breath and follow me. falling from the sky like a broken star brake open and spill your sparkles. Stars that live long only die out unnoticed shooting stars my only live a short exsistance but they blaze across the sky noticed by all they make children wish, and lovers draw close they make women dance, and artists dream they touch everyone along the way. No one will ever forget the star that dared to fall. So fall for me. and kiss the sky. Fall and be reborn in the hearts of humanity die not a bitter old star who fades away with countless years fall and be imperfect fall and be broken fall and be everything I’m afraid to be. Fall. Fall and shine Just for me.
This is a song I wrote....well I started humming it on the buss and it turned in to a song...to the tune of "she'll be riding 6 white horses"
"The only bush I trust is my own! - is my own The only bush I trust is my own! He'll send us all to heaven just because of 9/11 the only bush I trust is my own!
Hes A Medicated skitsophranic- yess he is Hes A Medicated skitsophranic He Thinks he talks to god now' dont ya think thats kinda odd Hes A Medicated skitsophranic - yess he is!
I think he is a homophobic! I think he is a homophoic! Just let us gays get married our weddin's arnt so scary! I think he is a homophobic
We can fight Him out of power if we try! - yes we can! We can Fight Him Out of Power if We try! 2 more years is to long to keep this FUCKING MORRON! we can fight him out of power if we try!
The Only Bush I trust IS my own! The only Bush I trust is my own So lets kick him out of our buss before somebody nukes us! The only bush I trust is my own!!!!"
-Single- Its almost funny- how everything about you can be defined by the person your with/ and when you leave them, or they leave you... they truly take a part of you with them, and that part of you leaves and never reintergrates. Its been a year.
A year in one month that I've lived on my own. its been over a year sense I waisted my trip to Ireland. I was in in love, being away from that love made me so shallow. I missed everything on that trip.... now I return... in a year, the end of 2007 I have a return trip. i'm happy.
I talk and talk and talk... I've missed SO much in the last few years. Ive never given the possabilty that I was wrong, that i wasnt in love, that we talked our selves into feeling that way, oh, what a halish moment.
And so, in conclusion.... I'm ready to move on... I know I Know how many times have I spoken thos words. I'm alright. I no longer compare everyone I meet to him, and I'm excited to find a new lover. and i'm excited to start a new life.
I'm going to photography classes....Ive always wanted to be a photographer...
so, in this last year, Ive learned alot. I learned how to "swim".. so to speak. Blah Blah BLah
I talk to much
"And she knoew with shallow realization the tiny x abovehis head, was a mark she had adorned him with he was only a puppet, she had given a name and told to Dance. so dance he did."
2007/01/06 14:34 Last night was one of the most.....insanly scary nights of my life... I wake up to a few inches of snow, which turns into slush as it rains.... I need to get out of the house.. so i brave the storm.... I go out for the day.....come home at about 8:00PM....get naked (all except my see though black french knickers I got for christmass I run a bath... there is a knock at my door "who is it?" i ask... tossing on a bath robe (winnie the pooh bath robe) and anwer the door to see "Stanly Tweedle" whome jonn and I so affectonly nick named.. with a christmas card and a box of chocolate (i cant eat it i'm vegan) as hes talking to me the fire alarm goes off.... we wait a moment... "this cant be real..." it is... the fire alarm is ringing loudly... Stanly takes off.. I grab my cat crate... and shove my cats in this Boxx... so I run out naked save for a thin cloth and french knickers.... I leave everything else behind... Me and my cats... Me in bare feet..... I run one way...."no.. thats not the fire exit....." I run the other way down the hall... helping old people to follow my voice... they come as we walk down the stairs... CRACK! a sound i never wanted to hear again... and the lights were off.... we smell smoke... in the dark I fumble to find the door... Were frozen to afraid to go back... far to afraid to walk in the dark.... Cats safely in hand.... I find the door knob, I open the door, as i do the emergency lights come back on.. "Out this way... I say to the elders... "No... I'm going out this way." he says... walking to the loby.. deeper into the building... I shake my head "No.. out this way." he defies me... a younger man says to me.. you can come this way... I folllow him into the bulding.. I feel heat.... I smell smoke... I freak out and say "na... i'm going out this way... * so out into the snow I go... snow so slushy and deep its to my ankles... my shoeless ankels....I get to the front of the building... my feet burn.. everyone's in the loby... "why are you sill in the building." the lights are off, the alarm is telling you to get out. the younger man who had knocked on EVERY apartment door...told me to wait outside.. I did... and there waited with me two sweet geeky boys who gave me a coat to wear.. he was only in a t -shirt... then we sat in his car to keep warm we talked trek.. all of us nervious at the thought of losing all our stuff.."I got my cats".... the other boy gave me a jacket for my legs...I almost cried at their sweetness.... 20 mins pass and the fire truck finally came. "I have no shoes" .......a knock at the car window... someone had gotten me shoes... and asside from the power being out.. it was safe to return to our homes...so I did. what had happened... was WATER from the snow had melted and hit a fire alarm.. SHORTING it out.....causing it to go off... all the other alarms followed... as the system shorted the lights also went... even the genorator.. which was far to slow to come on.....as for the smoke.. someone lit a bunch of candles... and had to blow them out as she left the apartment.. causing the halway to fill with smoke....the heat must have been in my mind... I spent the night at the geeky boys apartment.. talking of geeky things. it was nice. I want to bake them some cookies. well. I went home and slept in the dark... and awoke to the snow gone, the sunshine out, and the power back on. yay. what a night. let it NEVER happen again.....please. PPS my cats are ok.
Its mine. there is my little dark spot on the corner of his mouth; its mine: I don't care who kissed it before me, or who will kiss it after me, it belongs to me and always will.
I don't really care what other people see;
I don't even care what I see;
I care what I feel. I care what I breath; and how I butterfly; and how I laugh. How I can fall asleep inside perfectly imperfect tatooed arms and wake with a smile on my face. How the spirit world dances on his skin and shines in his eyes, and how he trusts me blindly. and how he will always trust me blindly.
Its so much sadness to let go of something like this. Its not ready. but i'm a child who will burn her mouth reaching for hot cookies. (damn right he's hot cookies)
and its ever sadder to feel this fleeting fancy that is going the way of my alter ego; I want so desporatly to prove myself worthy of him; and I forgot he adored me before I was a butterfly. feeding the catapillar chocolate cookies and horror movies.
thats all I ever wanted; Acknowledgement. and today I got it.
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gypsy_discord's journal
Push and Pulling
Full of Love.
